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Post By Manga Shoggoth Fri Jul 02, 2004 at 08:20:30 pm EDT |
Subject
Desperately Seeking Ebony - A Story by the Manga Shoggoth (with apologies to CSFB!) | |
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Desperately Seeking Ebony
A Story by the Manga Shoggoth (with apologies to CSFB!)
...And Many Thanks to HH for the loan of Laptop and some help in editing.
In a dark, smoky tavern, evil deeds were being plotted. Two be-robed ninja were discussing a hit with a rather well-dressed (and uncomfortable, given the surroundings) lawyer. The negotiations were being observed by a... Well, to put it bluntly, rather large Ape.
“So, let me get this straight.” Said the first of the ninjas. “You wish us to travel to London, trace this person, and then terminate her with excessive prejudice and any other emotions or actions we feel appropriate. Right up the...”
The ninja was starting to dribble slightly.
“Ahem.” Interjected the other Ninja (let us call him Ninja 2). He had not been a member of this group for long, and was already regretting joining. He wanted to be a real ninja, but had failed on a couple of the requirements (1). And this bunch were a pain in the...
“Yes.” Confirmed the Lawyer.
“Errrm. Why?” asked Ninja 2. “I thought you guys normally did things in the courts, with all those gowns and things.”
The Lawyer had the grace to look a little embarrassed.
“We tried. It was awful (2). Now we just want to get a little revenge, and since we can’t affect our adversary directly, we will get those closest to it.”
“Well,” declaimed Ninja 1, “You’ve just hired the Ass-Raping Ninjas. Ebony of Nubilia, your time has come. Come on, Rape Ape.”.
Ninja 2 grimaced slightly. The A-team had never been like this.
Soho, London.
In places, a den of sin and vice. In the southern end of the district, churches, cafes, pubs and knocking shops share street space. Long the haunt of artists and other…outcasts, there is almost a sense of community amongst the various ghettoes.
Sherri watched the world (or part thereof) crossing her doorway. As the bait (or, rather, doorwoman) for one of the exotic “shows” (and occasionally the Soho Manga and Anime club, but that’s another story), she had seen nearly everything. Including the odd minister of religion out to assist the fallen. Or something like that.
This one looked different. The clerical collar was in evidence (rather than taken off), and he was clearly looking around – admittedly with some embarrassment - but not furtively. He was also very much older that the usual marks.
“Looking for a nice girl?” she asked, expecting more embarrassment (or to be ignored). She put on the “for the client” smile, just in case.
“Yes.” He replied, rather hesitantly. “I’m trying to find someone called ‘Ebony’. Perhaps you know her?”
Her smile became slightly more fixed.
“And what might you be wanting with Ebony?” she asked, rather pointedly.
The minister paused.
“I have something nasty in my crypt.” He replied at last. “And I was told that she might know something that could help.”
Sherri smiled a much more genuine smile.
“Just step this way…” she said, abandoning her doorway and taking the minister by the arm, lead him to a nearby café.
A few moments later, the Reverend James Harlsden found himself talking to a rather attractive young dark-skinned lady. After a few cups of coffee (or in his case, tea) and some light discussion, Ebony cut to the chase.
“So. Why does a Minister of the Church of England require the assistance of the High Priestess of the Cult of the Shoggoth?”
“Well…As I said to that delightful young lady...” (Ebony grinned at this) “...something rather nasty has appeared in my crypt. We had some archaeologists digging up the area under the Altar, and they discovered an ancient grave. They dated it well before the construction of the Church.”
“The moment they tried to move the body, there was this awful stench, and everyone in the crypt felt terrified for no particular reason. They abandoned the crypt, and refused to go back down. I had the Archbishop in to perform an exorcism, but that didn’t seem to work, and he doesn’t seem too interested in trying again.”
He paused for a moment.
“But why me?” Ebony asked. “It’s not as if I go looking for this sort of thing. My role is more administrative. And I’m not exactly in the phone book.”
“I called an old colleague in, who used to be interested in this sort of thing. He took one look at the crypt and suggested you.”
“And your colleague is?” asked Ebony, with a feeling that she already knew.
“Sir Mumphrey Wilton.”
Ebony sighed.
“Very well. Shall we be off?”
As they left Soho, they passed two rather odd gentlemen dressed as ninjas and accompanied by a rather large Ape. As they passed, she heard one telling the other – in a rather exasperated tone – “...and this time try not to look so conspicuous...”
“Yeah Right!” she thought. “Not even in Soho.”
Ninja 2 was not having a good day. He had been towing his compatriot and Rape Ape round London all day. It had taken long enough to find Soho, and even when they had found the place, nobody seemed to know who they were talking about. They had received blank stares, hostility and (on occasion) the offer of various services that they could really do without – although he was rather intrigued as to what a “tuppany upright (3)” was. His companions were being noisy, irritating and were incapable of keeping a low profile.
He was tired, annoyed and very badly needed a drink. What luck, therefore, that they were outside a dimly-lit cosy little pub.
“OK,” he said. “Let’s try in here. Get a drink, mingle with the locals, and see what you can find out.”
They left Rape Ape outside. Well, one of the signs said “No Pets Allowed (except Guide Dogs)” – and Rape Ape didn’t exactly qualify.
To Ebony’s surprise the crypt was cool and well lit. She recognised the smell almost immediately.
Deep One, murmured the Shoggoth.
“Yes.” She replied. “Will you lift the body up?”
“What? Who are you talking to...” began the Reverend Harlsden, as an unreasoning terror swept over him, exceeding that emanating from the grave. Despite the intense desire to flee, he stood his ground.
He watched as…something…flowed from the pendant around Ebony’s neck and slid into the grave. Then, with a gentle touch that an archaeologist would have traded his soul for, the ancient bones rose whole and were laid beside the grave. In the skeleton’s hand was a crucifix, corroded with age and the acids in the soil.
Something was moving inside the grave.
It must have been caught here surmised the Shoggoth. The locals would have interpreted it as an evil creature, and tried to seal it away. They must have treated the site as some form of holy site and then built the church on top later. This human’s faith must have been immense to form such a seal. It makes the Grand Seal of Atlantis look weak.
“I thought you didn’t think much of the Grand Seal.” Commented Ebony.
I don’t. It tickles. But it used to be great for sealing the small fry.
The Shoggoth turned its attention to the Deep One in the grave.
Let’s get you back with your people. There is a colony off Innsmouth these days, and the Great Old Ones haven’t been around for ages.(4)
The something in the grave split. One part flowed back to the pendant, and the other...ceased to be there, leaving an empty grave.
Ebony turned to the ashen-faced minister.
“Please give him a proper burial. And I think perhaps another coffee is in order.”
“Yes. Perhaps.” Answered the minister at length. “Perhaps a coffee will do very well.”
I like him. Murmured the Shoggoth. His faith supports him well. He could probably have sealed the Deep One himself.
In the mean time, Ninja 2 was not best pleased. The pub was full of blokes with close-shaven hairstyles, a slight bias towards string vests as tops and a somewhat tactile approach to life. He had managed to join three people at a table, and was trying to buy them a drink in preparation to pumping them for information. He could just hear Ninja 1 working round the other tables with the subtlety and decorum that he had come to expect from his companion. In other words, none.
His three table-mates were a strange sight. They all wore identical tee-shirts (bearing the logo “The Real Thing”, although none of them seemed to be Coke drinkers). One of them was also wearing a sort of skirt, one of them had an accent like one of the police officers back in Paradopolis, and the other had an accent just like Shere Kahn from the Jungle Book. The identified themselves as Stewie, Sean and Simon. Ninja 2’s first attempt to buy a drink was immediately rebuffed by Simon, who insisted on buying the first round.
Sean ordered a Guinness, Simon brought himself and Ninja 2 a Theakstons Old Peculiar, and Stewie insisted on a Horlicks.
They discussed various matters over their drinks. Ninja 2 tried to raise the subject of Ebony, but couldn’t find a sensible way to bring it in to the conversation.
At length, the drinks were finished. Ninja 2 rose to buy the next round, but was forestalled by Sean, who insisted on buying next.
Simon ordered another Theakstons Old Peculiar, Sean brought Ninja 2 and himself a Guinness, and Stewie once again insisted on a Horlicks.
Outside, Rape Ape was getting bored. From the market down the road there was emanating an interesting smell...
He went to investigate.
Inside again, the foursome finished their round. Ninja 2 prepared to buy the next round, but was forestalled by Simon.
“No. It’s Stewie’s turn first.”
From Stewie’s corner of the table came a “ZZZZzzzz...”.
“Damn.” Cursed Sean. “He’s done it again.”
In the mean time, Ninja 1 had sufficiently annoyed everyone else in the pub, and was now at the bar, endearing himself to the Landlord.
“Who do you think you are?” asked the Landlord, obviously not impressed.
To his horror, having worked out where they were, Ninja 2 heard his compatriot declare “Ha! Drink Serving Person. We are the Sacred Order of Ass-Raping Ninjas of the Ever-Active Hand.”
The pub fell silent. Ninja 1 became the recipient of harsh stares from every member of the pub. Ninja 2 put his head in his hands and prayed for a quick death.
Sean and Simon patted him on the shoulders reassuringly.
“You sit there and finish your pint,” advised Simon. “We just want a little chat with yon friend of yours.”
Ninja 1 quickly assessed the mood of the pub, and decided to call in reinforcements.
“Rape Ape!”.
“Rape Ape!!!”
There was a distinct lack of simians. There was a decided presence of annoyed drinkers.
The events that followed are excluded from the plot to ensure a PG rating.
From the market came the following sound:
“AROOOOOOOOOO!”
Rape Ape had decided that he liked Soho. There were stalls with lots of bananas (and sympathetic vendors), and the local working girls new some really nice techniques (5).
And they could get that itchy spot in the middle of the back that was soooo hard to reach.
Ninja 1 was ejected from the pub in very short order and with a very flat trajectory. He lay on the pavement groaning for several minutes whilst Ninja 2 explained to his new drinking mates that there were supposed to be looking for Ebony of Nubilia, and if they knew where she was he would appreciate it if they didn’t tell him.
Ninja 2 then made enquiries after their “pet”, and dragged Ninja 1 off towards the market.
Rape Ape was discovered sitting next to a pile of banana skins, with a subtle blow-wave, highlights and a trim.
Ninja 1 was less than impressed.
“What do you think you are doing, you stupid simian? Where the hell were you when you were needed? What have you done to your hair?” he yelled.
“Oooook.” replied Rape Ape.
“Ere! What about my bananas your monkey’s been eating?”
“Hey! You leave the nice Ape alone!”
“Excuse me, sir. Is this your Simian?”
The last came from a uniformed policemen, notebook in hand.
Ninja 2 leaned against the wall next to a familiar doorway.
“I don’t need this. I need a new job.”
“We have an opening for a Bouncer,” commented Sherri from her doorway. “The pay isn’t brilliant, but...”
“I’ll take it.”
Some days later, Ebony was enjoying a coffee in her usual café. She was enjoying it all the more for the company of the Reverend Harlsden, who had taken to visiting the area on the off-chance of meeting her. They were joined by Sherri and her new friend PJs, who was the new bouncer at her (ahem) “dance club”.
It was a very pleasant meeting, she thought. It was always nice to have friends outside work.
The End.
________
The non-euclidean footnotes:
1. Being Japanese, for a start.
2. It was certainly very messy. See the second Manga Shoggoth story - “The Trial of the Manga Shoggoth” - for details of the last attempt to deal with the Shoggoth via the legal system.
3. A sort of Jam Doughnut. Honest.
4. Largely because each time they appear they end up surrounded by superior numbers of Shoggoth.
5. Don’t be disgusting. We are talking straight grooming here – Soho has plenty of hairdressers.
Manga Shoggoth begs to inform the terminally confused that - amongst other things - Soho is one of the focal points for the Gay Community, and apologises for inserting a very old Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman joke.
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